Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 12:16 am Post subject: Part 1 of my story for my Character, Night Stalker.
It all started 20 years ago, back when Crime was really beginning in Equestria. Small crimes such as Thievery and Treason quickly escalated into Murder and Terrorism. As war began to erupt, Celestia called upon a newly formed task force. Officially known as Task Force 0, or "Celestias Special Forces", this small group of 10 of the most strongest and stealthiest ponies found in Equestria was tasked with investigating murders, robberies, terrorism, and spy on enemy nations. But, there was one soldier that stuck out.
______________________________________________________________
Night Stalker, known by a unknown name back before his military days, came from a place unknown, thought to be ravaged by war. At the young age of 7 in human years, Night's parents were killed in a freak accident....or what he would later find out, a murder. He set out on a large journey from his home land to Equestria, attempting to make it to Canterlot. He soon found himself forced to serve in a Terrorist group, fighting against Celestia. As he neared Canterlot, they were spotted. He managed to slip away, while his fellow men fought to the death. Emphasis on death. And so, he made it to the Royal Palace after being yelled at for "Polluting this marvelous city with your stench of blood". He was immediately thrown out for unknown reasons.______________
_____Flash Forward 12 Years___________________________________
Night sat in his home just outside Ponyville, when he heard a knock at his door. He got up and used to hoof to open the door. And to his surprise, a Royal Guard stood at his doorstep, letter in mouth. "This, is for you. You are to report to the Palace as soon as possible." The Guard said. Night shut the door after taking the letter. The letter read the same as the guard had said, but with a added sentence.
"You have been chosen for your Military Knowledge..."
He knew it had truly reached Equestria.
As he walked throught Ponyville, he could see the dried blood on the walkways, see the broken windows.
War had reached this one peaceful land.
After a hour in the Royal Palace, he met his team.
Mikael
Lightning Run
'Specter'
and a few other ponies.
Their first order of buisness was to investigate a break in at a local bakery.
After a successful investigation, the team was deemed Task Force 0 and given full Military Funding.
Night was back to the same old shit he was going 10 years ago.
Only this time, he was on the opposite side.
_________PRESENT DAY______________________
Night sat on a hill, overlooking a small encampment. Another 20 ally ponies sit in the brush below. He gave the call, and the team charged in.
The Terrorists never saw what hit them. Literally.
_____________________________________________________________
AND thats it so far everyone! Please let me know what you think. Whether it be good or bad, let me know
_________________
You may have wits and cunning, but I have a cobra with Rainbow Dash painted on the side. Problems? Concerns? Dial 555-NOPE, that's 555-NOPE.
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Negatorian07
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Posts: 38
Location: Sweden
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:47 am Post subject:
You shouldn't add human years, as it is "pony universe".
A few grammar errors, but it could turn out a nice story if you spent a little bit more time on it.
_________________
If you want to read some of my stuff, read it here: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Negatorian07
and here: http://alwaysstinkyassassin.deviantart.com/
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Deusinsanus
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Posts: 9
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:48 am Post subject:
That sounds like a pretty good story, so far. But as negatorian07 said, you have a few minor grammar and spelling mistakes, but those can always be fixed before the final product, which, if you don't mind, I would gladly take care of.
Other than that, unless you do so later on in the story, you should propably explain his backstory a bit more, what kind of training he went through, if he has any traits that make him unique, whether he has some kind of accessories, and what he looks like in general (if he isn't wearing a uniform, if they have one).
_________________
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-Deusinsanus.
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GhostIsHere
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Posts: 10
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:43 pm Post subject:
I agree with you both, I typed this fast since yesterday was a hectic day.
Thank you for your constructive criticism, and I added human years because: A bit easier to relate to. I understand fully that it is a pony universe, but I added Human Years for the readers.
Anyways, the next part will focus on his background way more, and it will be spellchecked and more time put into it.
And, after the final product you can take over as long as I can help XD
Thanks
Stephen "Ghost"
It all started 20 years ago, back when Crime was really beginning in Equestria. Small crimes such as Thievery and Treason quickly escalated into Murder and Terrorism. As war began to erupt, Celestia called upon a newly formed task force. Officially known as Task Force 0, or "Celestias Special Forces", this small group of 10 of the most strongest and stealthiest ponies found in Equestria was tasked with investigating murders, robberies, terrorism, and spy on enemy nations. But, there was one soldier that stuck out.
______________________________________________________________
Night Stalker, known by a unknown name back before his military days, came from a place unknown, thought to be ravaged by war. At the young age of 7 in human years, Night's parents were killed in a freak accident....or what he would later find out, a murder. He set out on a large journey from his home land to Equestria, attempting to make it to Canterlot. He soon found himself forced to serve in a Terrorist group, fighting against Celestia. As he neared Canterlot, they were spotted. He managed to slip away, while his fellow men fought to the death. Emphasis on death. And so, he made it to the Royal Palace after being yelled at for "Polluting this marvelous city with your stench of blood". He was immediately thrown out for unknown reasons.______________
_____Flash Forward 12 Years___________________________________
Night sat in his home just outside Ponyville, when he heard a knock at his door. He got up and used to hoof to open the door. And to his surprise, a Royal Guard stood at his doorstep, letter in mouth. "This, is for you. You are to report to the Palace as soon as possible." The Guard said. Night shut the door after taking the letter. The letter read the same as the guard had said, but with a added sentence.
"You have been chosen for your Military Knowledge..."
He knew it had truly reached Equestria.
As he walked throught Ponyville, he could see the dried blood on the walkways, see the broken windows.
War had reached this one peaceful land.
After a hour in the Royal Palace, he met his team.
Mikael
Lightning Run
'Specter'
and a few other ponies.
Their first order of buisness was to investigate a break in at a local bakery.
After a successful investigation, the team was deemed Task Force 0 and given full Military Funding.
Night was back to the same old shit he was going 10 years ago.
Only this time, he was on the opposite side.
_________PRESENT DAY______________________
Night sat on a hill, overlooking a small encampment. Another 20 ally ponies sit in the brush below. He gave the call, and the team charged in.
The Terrorists never saw what hit them. Literally.
_____________________________________________________________
AND thats it so far everyone! Please let me know what you think. Whether it be good or bad, let me know
_________________
You may have wits and cunning, but I have a cobra with Rainbow Dash painted on the side. Problems? Concerns? Dial 555-NOPE, that's 555-NOPE.
Back to top
Negatorian07
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Posts: 38
Location: Sweden
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:47 am Post subject:
You shouldn't add human years, as it is "pony universe".
A few grammar errors, but it could turn out a nice story if you spent a little bit more time on it.
_________________
If you want to read some of my stuff, read it here: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Negatorian07
and here: http://alwaysstinkyassassin.deviantart.com/
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Deusinsanus
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Posts: 9
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:48 am Post subject:
That sounds like a pretty good story, so far. But as negatorian07 said, you have a few minor grammar and spelling mistakes, but those can always be fixed before the final product, which, if you don't mind, I would gladly take care of.
Other than that, unless you do so later on in the story, you should propably explain his backstory a bit more, what kind of training he went through, if he has any traits that make him unique, whether he has some kind of accessories, and what he looks like in general (if he isn't wearing a uniform, if they have one).
_________________
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-Deusinsanus.
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GhostIsHere
Joined: 15 Feb 2012
Posts: 10
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:43 pm Post subject:
I agree with you both, I typed this fast since yesterday was a hectic day.
Thank you for your constructive criticism, and I added human years because: A bit easier to relate to. I understand fully that it is a pony universe, but I added Human Years for the readers.
Anyways, the next part will focus on his background way more, and it will be spellchecked and more time put into it.
And, after the final product you can take over as long as I can help XD
Thanks
Stephen "Ghost"